Monday, September 30, 2013

Self Control where did you go?


Good thing I pulled out the Halloween decorations over the weekend, because I feel like a WITCH today.


I’m so irritated with myself for the food choices I made yesterday.


 Saturday wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either.  I’m on my period, which has been unusually long and I have a hormonal headache that pills can’t touch with a 10 foot pole.    


See.  The thing is.  I feel out of control.  I hate feeling out of control.


Most days, I eat EXCELLENTLY.  Many days, I eat excellent and work out.  On these days,  I feel awesome.  Powerful.  Motivated.  Strong.


Today I feel weak.


I feel like OUT OF THE BLUE, my mind will not allow me to control my portions or my cravings.  I tend to give into them lately, and then feel horrible the next day. 


It’s this cycle that is driving me nuts.  I do so well, and then I CHOOSE to stuff my face with unhealthy food and “blow” it.  I can’t figure out why I make these bad choices.


I know, I know.  It’s OK to have “bad” days, as long as the good outweighs the bad.  I understand the theory of weight loss.  I understand that I do my very best when I follow a path of healthy choices.  Mentally and physically, I truly feel good. 


I understand it.  What I don’t understand is why I repeatedly want to go off the rails?  Throw in the towel, even for a day, and “erase” so much hard work? 


I’m tired of this hold that junk food has over me.  I wish I could break it.  I want to break it.


I can’t understand it.  I’m frustrated.  I’m irritated.  I want to lose weight, but sometimes (frequently lately) I want food more. 


I’m no expert.  But today I’m angry.  I’m so freaking angry.  I’m trapped in this battle with my mind and myself, and I don’t know WHY. 


WHY.  Why does my mind fight me, even though it’s my very own mind that keeps me pushing forward to be healthy? 


I hate the feeling of having no control.  I think to myself…”where’s your willpower?  You don’t have any.  Whats wrong with you?”  and crappy stuff like that.


This journey has its ups and downs, and today I’m down and I’m angry about it. 

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