Note: This was originally posted on my old blog on Aug 23rd 2013. Carried over to this blog for personal & historic reasons.
I had hit a point where I was beginning to feel that I was trapped. For some reason, unknown to me, my appetite was suddenly ravenous, and my brain was craving that “FULL” feeling. Not satisfied, but that F-U-L-L feeling that makes me sleepy afterwards.
I started thinking that maybe “this was it” for me. That my weight had gotten as low as it would get.
I didn’t give up and I kept going…..but only some parts of my healthy lifestyle…for example, I was still doing fairly regular work outs. My diet was what was failing me. I kept desiring to overeat, and not on anything healty….pizza hut, taco bell, KFC…. You know, all the stuff that isn’t doing my body or mind any good.
After keeping going and not getting anywhere weight loss wise or mentally, I decided to visit my dr.
I had an idea of what I wanted…something to give me a “boost”. This prescription does diminish my appetite, which has only reiterated to me that much of my eating has little to do with hunger. At least my unhealthy eating.
Maybe much of it is bad habit. I’m not sure. I guess I’ve never felt that I was an “emotional” eater..I just love food and could put away quite a lot of it at any given time.
I have come to the realization that when I allow myself to have any type of fast food, I only crave it more and more rather than feeling satisfied. At this point in time, I’ve told myself that I will avoid drive thru’s. I’ve been avoiding them for almost 2 weeks now. I don’t know how long I will keep up with this, because I know myself and if I start telling myself I can’t have it again ever, then I will feel deprived, depressed, and ruthlessly plot until I get my 5 layer burrito despite myself.
I’ve come to terms that food is a type addiction for me. Some foods are “trigger” foods that set me off into a path of eating poorly and feeling guilty and bad about myself.
I’ve always had an addictive personality. At one point in my life or another, I’ve been addicted to tobacco, drugs, men, and food. I never realized it when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older I can look back and see things through more experienced eyes.
So, it’s a curse of sorts. It’s the same type of curse that when I watch “Intervention” or “Hoarders” that my heart goes out to the people on the show. Daily struggle.
The lining is that for me, the struggle eases up after I’ve put healthy habits into practice. Yesterday I told myself I only need to worry about not going to a drive through one day at a time. I know this is a mantra of AA, and it resonates with me. I can handle one day at a time.